Chapter 4: A look into the past and some girly talk

It was way past 3am. In the kitchen, Freda waited patiently for Toby to come back. It was during times like these, she had the opportunity to reflect on what had happened over the years. She knew it was not love that kept the both of them together, but rather a compromise. Her engagement to Toby was anything but a union of love. Her engagement only served one purpose and that purpose was to strengthen ties between their families. It had been 5 years. She was not getting any younger. Yet Toby postponed their wedding year after year.

It would not have been so difficult, had he just married her and sealed her fate. She would have gladly accepted it. But no. He had to leave their relationship, or their partnership in such an awkward stage. She knew she could not leave. But she also yearned for love and support, a genuine one at that. She was locked in a fortress, a place where she could never identify herself with.

She hated herself for being born into such a family where monetary consideration took precedence over everything else. It was just too unfair on her. After all, she was well educated. She had dreams. Goals to achieve. Lots of love to give.

And then her submissive side gave in. She was unable to fight it. Weighing the odds of her bailing out on the relationship and the downfall of two empires, she knew she could not do it. The repercussions would be unimaginable.

The images of her happier days started to appear in her mind. For many years now she tried to erase the happy images from her mind. It was too painful to bear. Time and again she would wake up in the middle of the night, crying, thinking of the house that she and her first love, Hayden would never have. She thought of the children which they had both dreamed that they wanted to raise and tears started rolling down her eyes.

Lynette came in the kitchen and saw her sitting there like a statute.

“Hey you,” she whispered. “How come you’re still up? Waiting for Toby again?”

“Yeah. I have been doing this for several years now. Doesn’t make a difference, if I stay up late tonight anyway.”

Lynette bit her lip, not knowing whether she should speak her mind.

“Do you love Toby, Freda?”

An awkward silence ensued. Freda wasn’t sure whether she wanted to disclose that many details of her private life. Especially when she was the landlady of the house. Too much information could kill, she thought to herself.

“You are still young. There are things which you would not understand.”

“Tell me about it Freda. My dad controlled me like a freak because my mom ran away with another music lecturer. He basically spent his nights talking to shrinks. I had to put up with his crazy antics and his eccentric schedule. I mean, I know it was difficult for him. He loved my mom a lot. But he forgot that when she left him, she left me too. I don’t think he actually realized that.

“Do you look like your mom?”

“Yes I do actually, well according to my dad anyway. Maybe that’s why he’s so upset. I probably remind him of her. But I don’t have a picture of her… so I can only take my dad’s words for it…

“Do you hate her Lynn?”

“Nope. I think she must had a reason. My dad wasn’t the most loving of all guys. I remember he used to beat her up when he couldn’t get his notes right. He was a perfectionist… she was a romantic. I don’t know how the two of them got together in the first place. One of the things I remember as a child, was how difficult it was for me to endure a piano lesson without crying my lungs out. My teacher… she was just like my dad. A totally wrecked freak if you asked me my opinion.”

“But you are doing music composition now.”

“Yeah. I came across some handwritten manuscripts in the attic at home when I was about 16. They belonged to my mom. I never knew that she could compose songs. I tried to play the songs on piano and they were absolutely beautiful. I used to think of her in bad light, well because of what my dad used to tell me anyway. There was not one day when he wouldn’t bang my head against the wall and call me a slut. Then, as if he had just been possessed and exorcised at the same time, he would let me go in shock as if you’d been scalded by a hot potato. And he would hug me and cry. I know, this sounds very freaky and all… I am like so totally wrecked up.”

“No you’re not Lynn. You’re a very bright girl. Look at you. You are so young, lively, energetic and enthusiastic. I wished I could be like you.”

“I have to be, Fred. I mean, I’ve been through the darkest days of my life. There was a time when all I could think of when I woke up was to look at my checklist of ways to commit suicide. But everytime I tried one new way, I would think of how horrible I’d look as a corpse and I’d stop.”

Freda chuckled.

“ So yeah, I was too chicken to die. So I figured that if I am too chicken to die, maybe I’m not afraid to live.”

“Fred are you sure you want to listen to my story? I mean, I am like in a super talkative mood right now so if you don’t back off we’d still be sitting here tomorrow morning you know?”

Freda looked at her and smiled. Funny she never noticed how cute this girl was, talking about her screwed up life as it she were reading it off some tabloid magazine, displaying no signs of sadness whatsoever. The conversation was beginning to get really interesting.

“Go on, I am listening.”

“Yeah, where was I? Oh yeah. So I started throwing out all the crazy stuffs that I kept in my room, those razor blades, those pills, whatever… I decided I had enough… my dad could be as psycho as he wanted to be, but I didn’t have to be another sad case. I don’t know… I guess I needed to try to be happy, and not just think about ways to die. It just couldn’t work that way.”

“So I got my mom’s manuscripts and hid them away from my dad. God knows what he would have done had he discovered them. I don’t recall seeing anything which could remind me of her when I was a kid…”

“I don’t get it Lynn… if I were you, being fed with all that mother-hatred propoganda, I wouldn’t even want to have anything to do with her again, honestly. I don’t know how you did it.”

“Guess it was the manuscripts that saved me from being indoctrinated. You see, she wrote those songs for me. My names were written over the manuscript… It was at that moment, I realized that she loved me. Not what my dad had been telling me all these years…”

“ I should play the songs for you one day. Then you will understand what I mean.”

Freda looked at her watch. It was almost 5am.

“Shall I make us some coffee Lynn? Toby’s not coming back. And frankly speaking, I don’t really care.”

“Well I don’t have any lectures tomorrow. How about you Fred?”

“Hah! I am taking the afternoon tutorials so yeah, I can afford to lie in. Can’t sleep now anyway.”

“So what are you waiting for? Go grab the coffee girl!” I mean Fred…”

Moments, later, sipping coffee…

Lynette looked at Freda. This lady must have a lot of stories to tell, she thought to herself. Somehow she didn’t look quite scary now as she did on the first day she moved into the flat.

Guess you need time to peel a person’s cover she thought to herself.

Freda on the other hand was beginning to like this new girl. Of course they did not get along very well on the first day they met. After all, she had 28 boxes of stuff which was really really intimidating. And the fact that she had waited until a week later before she actually bothered paying up the deposit in full had literally driven Freda up the wall. And Lynette calling her “Fred” did not help either.

She chuckled to herself.

What better way to tell my story, she wondered, than to show it in pictures?

Lynette watched earnestly as Freda took out her laptop and gently wiped the surface clean.

“This is my life story,” said Freda. I don’t think I have ever shared it with anyone in particular, not in the least Toby. Sighs.”

Lynette looks at her watch.

“Well looks like your Toby aint coming home that soon honey. Go on, shoot your story.”

And this is Freda’s story, told in her own words.